Stormy Interlude

2012-01-23 – Monday

I left the boat last Wednesday for a visit with Suzanne at UC Davis. It was an upbeat, fun visit. We had dinner at a Chinese restaurant and caught up on happenings. It is great to hear her say that she feels really happy.

From there, I went to Placerville for a visit with Judy. The next few days were a roller coaster of feelings as we tried to understand what is going on and make our peace with it. We keep coming back to the process we went through to figure out what we were going to do with our lives after I retired. I did not do a very good job of looking within and figuring out what I needed. I knew I wanted to be near the ocean – I just didn’t realize how strong that need was. Agreeing to move back to Placerville was a huge mistake on my part. I felt buried alive. The boat and the trip were my solution – driven by feelings so strong I wasn’t open to negotiating with Judy. It is hard to believe. She has been my best friend, confidant and lover for the last eight years of my life. I’ve never felt so loved and so well taken care of. But somehow I’ve arrived at this place where I’m living 100 miles away on a boat and getting ready to sail away for a couple of years. It seems that there is no going back. I have betrayed her trust in me.

If I weren’t set on this venture, what would I do with my life? I don’t know. That is the question that got me started in this direction. The thought of trying to turn around, give up the boat and find something to replace it feels hopeless. It has the feel of stepping into the black abyss with nothing more than a vague hope that something will turn up to make life meaningful.

By Sunday, we were talked out and cried out. The weather had been complementing our feelings – dark and heavy with lots of wind and rain. Where are we? The words are still the same – friends, confidants, lovers – but there is a distance, a gap that seems immense when I look back at how we have been. It is my hope that we can continue to visit back and forth and find a way to continue to be friends, confidants and lovers. I’ve given up hoping that Judy would decide to join me fill time on the boat but she does seem to be willing to come spend some time “camping out.” I hope that these visits can be in various exotic locations as the trip progresses. All it takes is the desire to be together – and money for air fare.

Sunday, we drove down to Sacramento to visit with Judy’s son, Douglas. He is moving his ATV business to a new building – much larger and in a location where he can be easily found by his customers and there is a lot of drive by traffic. There is a lot of work to be done to make the move but he is just the man to do it. He has what seems like endless energy and enthusiasm. He has a plan and resources. I’m sure he will continue to do well. We spent the evening having a wonderful dinner and lots of conversation. By bedtime, I was ready to turn in and fall into (hopefully) a deep sleep.

But it was not to be. I may have slept for an hour before my eyes popped open and I knew that it would be hours before I could go back to sleep. After an hour or so of lying there, I decided to go back to the boat right away instead of waiting for morning. It was raining heavily along with lots of wind during the almost two hour drive. I got to the boat a little after 2 AM, fumbled around with the lock on the companionway hatch and arrived on board wet and cold.

It is a well known axiom that if there are any leaks on a boat around hatches and windows, at least one of them will be directly above the bunk(s) in use. The axiom held true. There was a leak above my usual bunk that had soaked one pillow and the spot on the bunk where my head and shoulders would normally lie. I pulled out some extra blankets and made up a bunk in the main cabin in a spot that had only a minor drip. The wind was blowing hard enough that the boat would occasionally heel about 10 degrees – even though it is securely tied up in a slip.

That brings me to this morning. The weather mirrors my feelings again (or vice-versa) – overcast and gray with bursts of rain. I feel suspended between the old life and the new unable to get traction to get moving. I am out of money for boat repairs and upgrades until I find work or sell some stuff. I have enough to be able to get by if I am careful – but not enough to make much progress. I am actively looking for work. I get lots of calls from recruiters but the best that has happened so far is a phone interview. In the mean time, I am picking away at the boat items that I can take care of with minute amounts of cash and lots of elbow grease and I do get to go sailing now and then. It brings me some measure of peace.